We have a friend who is a single mother. Her son is in Kindergarten. The impact of not having a man around the house for several years is beginning to build in him.
Our friend, Ken, decided he needed to reach out to this little boy and do some "guy things" with him, so he invited our two boys to join him and this other little boy last Friday to go shopping at the "hardware store" (which turned out to be Lowe's). He dangled the carrot of a Blizzard from Dairy Queen after looking at tools in front of their noses, and all three boys bit.
He came by after school, got Daelyn's carseat, picked up both boys, and took them and their friend off to look at tools. He later told Don and I that, on the way, he told them, "Men like to make things!" The boys all echoed, "YEAH!!" Then he said, "Boys like to make things, too!" Again, the boys shouted, "YEAH!!" Ken went on, "And you know what they use to build things? Tools!" This was followed by yet another chorus of "YEAH".
He tooks the boys and explored the tool aisle. Then they went to the woodshop where the workers were custom cutting boards. Ken asked if they could spare a block of wood for each of the boys and explained what he was doing with them. The employee gladly cut a nice block of wood for each of the boys. Dane came home talking about what he could whittle in his block, if we could but find his pocket knife that my brother gave him over Christmas and Daelyn promptly lost for him as soon as we got home from our trip to Alabama to visit my brother.
Daelyn didn't really have anything to say to Ken - - until tonight. Ken came for dinner and Daelyn kept rattling off questions, the answers to which were very self-evident. As Uncle Ken tried to leave to run to a prayer meeting, Daelyn followed him, patted him on the back, and continued his long list of questions. After listening for a few minutes, I said to Ken, "I think he's trying to get some special attention from you, and he doesn't know how else to do it."
Ken picked him up and spent about 10 minutes JUST talking to Daelyn, eyeball to eyeball. Daelyn asked questions and then just talked to Ken about a variety of things. He mussed Uncle Ken's hair and tugged on his ears - all his little displays of affection. I sat and watched in amazement. While he loves Uncle Ken, he's very selective about whose ears he pulls. He pretty much reserves that for Mommy, brother, and, sometimes, Daddy and Sissy, but NEVER anyone outside of his immediate family. Uncle Ken finally gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek and explained to Daelyn that he had to go or he'd be late, and he plays the guitar for the music ministry at the Prayer Meeting. Daelyn said he understood and relinquished his hold. Uncle Ken put him down, patted him on the head, and Daelyn walked him to the front door.
I've been thinking about this incident all evening and wondering why Daelyn suddenly was so chummy with this family friend. It finally clicked with me that he bonded over tools, wood blocks, and a Blizzard that ruined his dinner. I had forgotten how important it is for children, especially when they're little, to have quality time with someone to feel close to them.
When Deanna was little, she wouldn't have anything to do with Don from Tuesday through Friday. Over the weekend, because he was around and spent time with her, playing with her, feeding her, and just, in general, being present to her, she would get really close to him. She asked for Daddy to tuck her in at night and want to sit in his lap in the evening. By Tuesday, the weekend "fix" had worn off, and she was Mommy's girl again. Don always seemed puzzled by this. I tried to explain it to him, but he just couldn't get the concept of the need she had to spend time with him to feel close to him.
I don't know why he couldn't get the concept. The truth is, it's no different for me. When we have time together, such as a date or just quality time talking in the evening after the children are in bed, I feel way closer to him. Several days later, we fall back into the routine again and the closeness wears off. There have been occasions in our marriage, such as our anniversary trip last summer, that took much longer to wear off. For at least 3 months after that trip, we were closer and he would pat me or slip his arm around me every time he walked by me - very uncommon for Don.
Apparently, it's not only women who need time to feel close. Daelyn feels it, too, and, I suspect, so does Dane. It seems to me that men somehow get untrained in this area as they age. This is one area in which I'd sure like to keep my guys childlike for the rest of their lives. And, maybe, I can begin to help them understand how important it is that they spend quality time with those they love. I think Ken caught sight of it tonight. I know Daelyn felt it.
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