When Daelyn was an infant and I was exhausted from tending to two toddlers while trying to care for my new baby, I wrote this little sketch. I wanted something to put in his baby book so he would know how special he was. I also needed to remind myself how special he was. So, here it is. Hope you enjoy it. It's called, "At Least, Tonight".
His grunting and rustling of his covers rouses my tired mind from sleep. I lie silent and still in the green glow of the night light, listening, hoping he'll drop back off to sleep and I can return to my dreams. But the rustling grows louder and the grunts, more insistent. I carefully move the covers away from my body so I don't wake the snoring giant next to me in bed. I lean over the side of the bed to be met by two wide eyes - the only things visible in the darkness of the shadows. I smile back at what I believe to be a grin. Gently, I reach for him, caressing his tiny body. I take a moment to snuggle him and kiss his little face, but an anxious moist mouth greets me, searching for food. "Okay, okay," I whisper, bringing an end to any hopes for snuggling. I lay him next to me as I prepare. He thrashes around, waving his arms. Clearly, Mommy's taking far too long to produce the meal.
Ah! Stillness. As I feel the gentle tugging, his little body relaxes. I touch the inside of his hand with my finger and four tiny digits instinctively wrap around mine. He's going to be a pro baseball player, I think. He sure can grip that bat. I lean my face down to his hair and breath deeply, smelling all the baby smells - the soft scent of baby lotion and shampoo, the sweet, rancid smell of old milk, and the faded pungence of urine. I kiss his head, lingering briefly to rub my lips against the softness where one day hair will be.
It takes only minutes but, by now, I'm fully awake. He pulls away from me and rolls from his side to his back, sighing contentedly. Within seconds, his breathing is slow and deep. Well, at least HE'S asleep again. I lie there in the darkness watching his chest move up and down. I put my arm around him, tucking him against my body and protecting him from the giant who might roll over onto him. One day, he'll break my heart, I think. He'll leave me. He'll want to go away to college and experience life for himself. He'll marry and have a family of his own and have no need for his old mother. If I raise him right, I think hopefully, perhaps he'll call me once a week just to check in. Something to hope for, anyway. I listen to his breathing with my arm protectively around him. I lean down gently and kiss his head again. "Goodnight, my love. Never forget your mommy," I whisper in his ear. He tosses his head sleepily. At least I have tonight, I think. And tomorrow night, and the next night. While the house is asleep, he belongs only to me. There's no competing for his attention with his brother and sister, daddy, the kitty ... it's only him and me in the quiet of the night. He's all mine. At least I have tonight, I think again. Tonight. I smile and close my eyes.
3 comments:
Kids always need their mommies. Even when they can't admit it. No matter how old they get. Don't you still need your mommy?
The thing that bothers me about my kids getting older is that I get older too.
I think Daddies must feel a little left out being that so much happens when he is at work and Mommies get to experience everything.
Your words plunged me into feelings of nostalgia remember when my kids were babies. I miss lots of things about that stage.
I believe we all need our parents, no matter how old. But I also think we all go through a stage where we don't understand that need. We try to push it aside and do it "my way".
There is nothing that can compare to the unconditional love of a parent. I've deeply experienced that love from my parents and now I feel it on the flip side, dishing it out to the children that are so much a part of my being.
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