The Cost of Relationships

Yesterday, I wrote about Deanna's friend, Faith, and her relationship to both me and Deanna. My friend, Jan, commented that she wished she had relationships like that. The truth is, I didn't have any of those growing up. My father was in the Army and we never spent longer than 4 years (usually only 3) in one place. My parents always requested overseas tours so they could see the world and show it to us kids. While our childhood was amazing and we grew up speaking foreign languages, having an understanding of how large the world is, recognizing the place of Americans in this world, and really understanding different cultures, the trade-off was life-long relationships.

Most of the military families that also traveled overseas understood the same concepts. They realized the importance of deep relationships but that we were all fighting against time. Everyone rotated on a different schedule and had been wherever we arrived for different periods of time, so we may build a deep relationship only to discover that our close friend's family was transferred in 2 months. It was very unusual to find anyone who was just arriving, allowing you to build a friendship for 3 whole years. Typically, relationships had a duration of one or two years.

With this in mind, us military families learned to build very quickly. We hid little and were pretty open about who we were. We didn't have time to break down walls or dance around issues. If we wanted friendships, we had to lay it all on the line, and quickly. There was a high level of trust and a deep sense of commitment amongst these people.

The result of this on our lives, of course, was a transparency. We tend to trust people and be willing to be open about ourselves. But we also have no friendships that ever lasted over a couple of years. Our families never abandoned us, though, which caused us to form deep, close relationships with our siblings. One of my sister's and I talk daily, as do my parents and I. Another of my sisters, Toni (who's "fast, fun, and friendly"), works and we find it difficult to visit over the phone, but we manage whenever we can. My other sister, Tenny, lives in California but has free long distance on weekends, so she used to call every weekend and visit with all her sisters. Used to, I said, because she has two granddaughters now, and the weekend calls suddenly ceased. Hmh, I wonder why?

My children's lives are very different from mine. They have the chance in this life to built friendships that WILL last. I want them to have the same depth of love for their siblings that I have for mine, so we work on these relationships, probably more than most people. But there's another huge difference between me and my children.

When I was growing up, we had no time to waste with fighting. Although we had the typical relationship tussles between siblings, we seldom fought with our friends. Every moment was too precious to spend not talking to each other or avoiding one another over spats. My children, however, constantly seem to be dealing with in's and out's of friendships. In one week, I have dealt with three "She's not my friend anymore" problems between Deanna and these "life-long friends". Their relationships are a hotbed. At times, I want to walk away from it all and stop trying to constantly resolve these issues, restoring these relationships. Then I remember how much I want my children to learn the concepts of giving and receiving forgiveness and resolving issues. And how special it is that they are building relationships that will last a lifetime, unlike their mother and aunts.

So, Jan, while my children have wonderful, lasting relationships, they're not free. There is a price to pay for these, as well. I just have to remember that their value will WAY outlast the price.